homeward bound

It's 3pm on Ko Samui, and my final day in Thailand. I fly from this island to Bangkok at 8.30pm, before connecting to my early morning London flight.

I fully expected this part of the holiday to be the most difficult - the final hours in paradise before the return to 'blighty'. Frankly, the way I have been treated in the last two hotels I've stayed in means I am actually happy to be leaving. I'm not going to elaborate at this stage other than to say there have been several outrageous attempts to rip me off. I tried writing a blog post yesterday about it but got so angry typing I stopped and went to the beach. Not one of the hardest decisions I've had to take.

I'll reflect on what this means in terms of my future travelling intentions when I'm in a better mood. Not sure what the journey home will be like due to a multitude of factors. I'm hoping Thai Airways can be bothered to liven up my12 hour flight with so much as a film to watch. They didn't bother on the way out here, but I'm trying to be optimistic. More importantly, Norwich are away at Portsmouth this evening - and the game kicks off and finishes when I'm in mid air. Theoretically, they could be a Premiership team when I switch on my phone at Heathrow. Or promotion could look unlikely, depending on the result of the game and Cardiff's at home to Middlesbrough. Best not to think about it, really. Fat chance...

royal wedding

On Friday 29 April, I woke up at around 9.30am feeling refreshed and energised. It was great not to be ill or hungover, and I was looking forward to having a whole day to enjoy on Ko Tao. On far too many occasions in the past, I have slept in past midday when on holiday, which is a terrible waste of time when abroad.

I took myself over the road from my hotel to a charming little cafe opposite, and ordered coffee and a fresh fruit juice. Feeling a bit peckish, I decided to order a light cooked breakfast that would sustain me until the evening. There were plenty of interesting options to choose from - in the end I plumped for a German breakfast of bacon, salami, fried onions, potatoes and fried eggs. I was expecting a small portion, but was instead presented with a mountain of a dish that probably causes thousands of men in Frankfurt to have a heart attack every year. It was too much, but the trouble is I really like bacon, salami, fried onions, potatoes and fried eggs - so I covered it in salt, black pepper and HP sauce and ate the lot.

I decided a good walk would help fend off any impending heart attack caused by breakfast, and so I went for a stroll around the Sairee area. It was fantastic to feel the heat and humidity, to see beautiful coastline to my left and forested mountains to my right. I felt enormously contented. Then, I turned back towards my hotel down a small street littered with lots of bars and my sense of being in paradise was shattered. Bar after bar was advertising live and uninterrupted coverage of the Royal Wedding on blackboards outside - and even offering 2 for 1 drinks deals on buckets of whisky and red bull to guzzle during the ceremony. It was as if this tiny island in the Gulf of Thailand had been converted into a Prince Harry theme park.

I'm not going to start a debate about the pros and cons of monarchy - I'm quite sure that's been going on in the media back home, although blissfully I haven't read a British newspaper for more than a fortnight. I would, however, like to deconstruct some of the aspects that intrigued me when I saw that these bars were screening the wedding.

Firstly, who goes to a bar when they are on holiday to watch a wedding? I don't care whose it is, to me it just seems bizarre. Outside the bars, coverage of Wills n Kate's big day was advertised on blackboards above other events most people would normally go to a boozer to watch - Chelsea v Tottenham, Arsenal v Man Utd. To see a couple's nuptials billed alongside Premiership football looked a trifle strange. It reminded me of the only time I have been to a bar to watch a non-sporting event. In 2007 I attended the Labour Conference in Bournemouth for work. It was at this event that speculation was rife that Gordon Brown would capitalise on his honeymoon as PM and opinion poll lead over the Tories by calling an early election. Labour activists could talk about nothing else, and were excited about the prospect of defeating Cameron's Conservatives in a snap poll. When Brown delivered his conference speech, it was widely believed that he would use it to call the election. So everyone attending the event was desperate to watch the speech, and also to see it with their friends in case the poll was called. This meant the bars of Bournemouth were packed as if an England World Cup match was being shown - for a speech by Gordon Brown. I even saw two delegates ordering tequila chasers with their pints. In the end of course he didn't announce the election in his speech, and afterwards it felt to most people like they had just watched a 0-0 draw with Belgium.

Anyway, I digress. The second thing that intrigued me about the screening of the wedding was the choice of drink on offer - buckets of spirits and red bull. Thai red bull is very popular with young British travellers because of its strength. Indeed it is so strong that it is banned in the UK. The reason? It's got speed in it. So, the monarchy loving Thais with some of the most hardline drugs laws in the world were offering buckets of cut price amphentamine laced drinks to watch the happy couple tie the knot. I don't know about you, but it all seems a bit surreal to me.

I spent the afternoon on the beach, relaxing and reading, enjoying the sunshine. Regardless of what anyone thinks of the monarchy, I was certainly appreciative of the extra day off. As the sun started to go down, I showered and then went for a traditional Thai oil massage. It was incredibly relaxing and soothing, although the borderline erotic nature of it did make me chuckle at times. The only part of my body that didn't get oiled up was my crotch, but the lady came close on a few occasions. I can see how these massages get slightly out of hand, so to speak.

In the evening I saw the sides of Ko Tao that enthrall me and appall me in equal measure. I was sat in a wonderful beachside bar, lounging on bean bags, drinking cocktails, watching the ships come in at the end of the day, reading my book as people from around the world chatted away with the relaxing beats played by a DJ in the background. Unfortunately, you could also hear noise from the bar next door. This establishment was catered to the Britpackers - offering the usual deals of a free gallon of vodka with every beer, and presumably 40 per cent discounts to anyone with a tattoo. Somebody was belting out covers of Oasis songs - or at least I assume it was a person. It could well have been a strangled cat singing Don't Look Back in Anger, such was the sheer awfulness of this 'performance'. It spoilt my enjoyment of the other bar's considerable charm, and I was tempted to go next door and smash the guy's acoustic guitar over his head. But it neatly demonstrated the two sides of holidaying in Ko Tao, and indeed Thailand. One is ambient, international and relaxing. The other is puking up into the sand to the soundtrack of tired old Britpop covers.

ko tao

Ko Tao is tiny - covering an area of just 21km and with a permanent population of just over 1,000. Despite this, it manages to pack within its shores all of the typical attractions of a Thai island.

The beach, and its mountainous jungle backdrop, is jaw droppingly beautiful. Watching the boats come into shore as the sun goes down is a special experience. Behind the beach are an extensive maze of streets and walkways, which are littered with hotels, cafes, restaurants and bars. The street food sellers, barbecuing corn on the cobs and kebabs, produce amazing aromas in the warm and humid evenings.

Ko Tao attracts a mixed crowd of tourists, many of whom come here because it is inexpensive to go diving and get a certificate, but the majority are young British travellers. What this means is that there is a multitude of drinking dens offering cheap booze. Some of these bars are actually quite good, but then there are others - normally those containing a prick plucking away at an acoustic guitar - that should be raised to the ground.

The availability of dirt cheap booze has surprised me somewhat on Ko Tao. On numerous occasions I have been approached on the beach or in the street and been given leaflets offering absurd amounts of alcohol at a ludicrous price. I was taken aback yesterday to be offered a 2 for 1 deal on buckets of whisky and red bull. A single bucket contains a lot of whisky and only costs a couple of pounds - to drink two of them would be the equivalent of necking more than half a bottle of spirits. And then when you've finished those, you can tour the bars offering happy hour prices on beer and cocktails all evening. Every time someone - almost always a young British girl - thrust a leaflet into my hand I shuddered to think what it was going to offer me. Buy one get one free on an intravenous injection of vodka into the eyeballs? Fifty per cent off a white wine enema?

I'm hardly a prude when it comes to getting pissed, but even I felt uncomfortable with the amount of alcohol people were being encouraged to consume. It was around the same time as I was being offered the chance to live my holiday like Paul Gascoigne that I happened to stumble across a very worrying and poignant statistic. Did you know that 269 British tourists died in Thailand last year? Two hundred and sixty nine. To add some context, that's the equivalent of around five 7/7 terrorist attacks. If you extrapolate the statistic, around 10 Brits will have lost their lives since my holiday began. The vast majority of these deaths are caused by motorcycle accidents, but in a way they are linked to the same carefree attitudes that go with the drink promotions. You don't need any experience of riding a bike in order to hire one here - you just need to tell the guy renting it that you have some. So in effect thousands of tourists come here and exploit the complete disregard there is in Thailand for 'elf n safety' - and the locals don't care so long as you are crossing their palm with bhat.

The fact Thailand has now become the most dangerous - in terms of fatalities - for British tourists to visit tells me something is not quite right here. What to do about it, I have no idea.

ko phangan to ko tao

On Wednesday morning I got up to have my last breakfast at my hotel on Ko Phangan before checking out. As usual the food was good, the service was incredibly friendly - and everyone else in the restaurant could talk about little else other than getting smashed, riding motorbikes and getting tattoos done.

In a way my experience here has shattered some of the illusions I have held about Thailand. A part of me has always thought that I might like to live in a country like this, to wake up every morning in paradise without a care in the world. Then I listened to some of the English people at this hotel, some of whom probably first came here in 2001 and have never left, boasting about drinking magic mushroom milkshakes and having drunk so much the night before their eyes were in pain, and I had considerable doubts about whether this was really what I wanted out of life. That's the philosophical outlook - at the time I just wanted to douse them all in kerosene and light a match.

I think part of me was vaguely jealous at the bashfulness of people boasting about their drinking capacity. Whilst I've always suffered from hangovers, on this holiday they have proved so bad the day following a bit of a session has been a total disaster. Normally I can rehabilitate myself with a few pints of orange squash, a couple of nurofen, a good meal and a hair of the dog. It might take a while, but I can always get back to something resembling good health. On this holiday the hangovers have been all-day sicknesses, which makes me wonder if I have picked up some kind of bug that I haven't been able to shake off. Either way, wolfing down a full English, cups of sugary tea and getting 'back on it' hasn't been an option for me.

My boat left Ko Phangan at the sociable time of 1pm, and it took a little over an hour to get to the nearby island of Ko Tao. The weather was perfect as we made our way across the crystal clear waters of the Gulf of Thailand. On the top of the boat were groups of travellers from across the globe - all glugging back cans of cold beer, basking in the beautiful surroundings and all probably thinking this is why I came to Thailand. It was an atmosphere and a feeling I wished you could bottle and open up on Monday mornings in February.

Ko Tao is a small island that has grown in popularity over recent years. Its larger neighbours, Samui and Phangan, have long been established tourist destinations, but now Tao is becoming increasingly popular. One of its main attractions is diving, but the scenery is so amazing you could come here and do nothing and yet feel perfectly contented.

I caught a tuk tuk to my hotel in the main resort of Sairee beach. Upon arrival it turned out they had no record of my reservation, as never comes as much of a surprise in this part of the world. I hadn't paid any money - it had been arranged by e-mail, but I had not printed out a record of my exchange with them. Anyway, this ended up working in my favour as they quoted me a price of 1500 bhat (30 quid) a night when I had originally agreed to pay 2500. I quickly swapped my expression of bemused indignance to a warm smile, dumped my bags and headed for the beach.

ko phangan

On Sunday when I arrived on the island of Ko Phangan, I had unwittingly re-traced the itinerary of my first trip to Thailand back in 2004. Bangkok to Chiang Mai, Ko Samui and then Ko Phangan.

If Ko Samui has become a haven for honeymooners and wealthy westerners, resplendent with five star boutique resorts, Ko Phangan retains a laid back, backpacker vibe that doesn't appear to have moved on much ever since it first became an integral part of the tourist trail.

This was my third visit to the island, and I was looking forward to kicking back in peaceful surroundings. I had booked into a highly-regarded resort on the west coast of the island for three nights. It was very cheap, and I knew there would be no private infinity pools, but when deciding to stay here I had clearly overlooked the type of clientele it was likely to attract. Upon arrival, the British owner talked me through some things I needed to know. First of all, he assured me all the staff in the bar and the restaurant could speak English. What he actually meant to say was, 'don't worry if you want extra cheese on top of your burger, you won't have to repeat yourself five times, raise your voice and mutter about how rude it is that the locals can't understand you'. I was then shown details of the resort's rules - no luminous body paint allowed in the rooms was my personal favourite - and given a list of replacement charges I would face if I broke anything in my room. Finally, I was assured the bar would stay open as late as I wanted it to...

At breakfast the following morning I must admit to feeling very out of place. I didn't feel as if I belonged in the swanky resort in Ko Samui either, but for the first time on this trip I did start to wonder if I was getting too old for all this. It's not that my idea of what constitutes a good holiday has changed since I was a teenager, it's more my tolerance of fellow travellers that has started to wear increasingly thin. As I sat there quietly sipping an orange juice and reading my book, I had to endure the sight of three complete twats - all southern English, all a tad posh - going round the restaurant telling everyone how pissed they had got the night before. And how one of them had crashed their moped yesterday. I don't mind or care what they got up to, it was their insistence on thinking everyone else was interested that annoyed me. Trouble is, it would appear some of the other guests actually were. After they had sat down in the far corner, a girl sat on a table nearby turned to her friend and, without a hint of irony, said 'those guys are really cool'. I despair...

In the afternoon, Seb and his girlfriend Amy stopped by at the hotel for a couple of drinks as they were passing through on a bike trip around the island. Although some of the people staying at the hotel were not my cup of tea, it was the perfect location for a cold beer. The sand on the beach was gloriously white, the sea completely calm and the views of Ko Samui across the water were amazing.

After Seb and Amy left I was planning to get some sleep before heading out to the nearby Half Moon Party later on. However, Norwich's vital match against Derby was now kicking off, and so instead I spent the next 90 minutes refreshing the scores on my phone. Deep into injury time and resigned to a draw, I came out of the shower and saw that we had scored to win 3-2. After jumping around for a while around my beach hut, I was now in the mood for a party and headed out into the evening feeling very happy indeed.

Unlike the Full Moon Party, the half moon event doesn't take place on the beach. Instead it is held deep into the Ko Phangan jungle, and so everyone needs transport to get there. The minibus taking people from my hotel to the event was full, and so I had a choice. I could wait half an hour for them to go there and come back, or I could get in the boot. Feeling quite lubricated from an evening drinking vodka and cokes while trying to keep up with events at Carrow Road, I climbed into the boot and wondered what my mother would think if this turned out to be my final act...

We got to the party, and from then on everything is just a blur. The setting was pretty amazing - a bit like the Lost Vagueness section at Glastonbury only a lot warmer and with more luminous paint. I was at the party for a good six hours, but I can't remember much more than drinking the ubiquitous buckets of whisky and mixers. Perhaps that's why...

At around 6am I caught a ride back to my hotel on the back of a motorbike, which I suppose was marginally safer than the way I chose to arrive. After a brief period watching the sun come up over the beach, I crashed out exhausted in my hut.

ko samui

Friday and Saturday on Samui passed in a sun drenched, booze addled haze. Norwich's 5-1 win at Ipswich on Thursday night provided the ultimate backdrop.

If I couldn't actually be at the game, I struggle to think of anywhere else I would rather be than Chaweng Beach to celebrate such a result. I will never forget the feeling when I turned on my phone on Friday morning and saw that incredible scoreline. 5-1. Having updated my Facebook status to say I was going to pour myself a G&T and dive naked into the infinity pool, it would have been disingenuous not to have actually done so. Such behaviour is that much easier when you have a private infinity pool outside your room...

One of the most striking things about my third visit to Samui is how it felt no different to the previous two. By that I mean the severe flooding that engulfed the island last month appeared to have done no last damaging. I noticed the affects on certain parts of the beach, but apart from that you would be forgiven for thinking nothing had happened. Incredible given that taxi drivers told me the waters had been several feet high.

Walking around Chaweng, flashbacks from my visits in 2004 and 2008 would occasionally hot me. Like when I walked past a seedy strip joint with English people queuing to get in, and whilst rolling my eyes realised I had actually been in there myself many years ago. Not my idea, I hasten to add, it was all in the name of irony.

Samui reminded me of Ibiza in many respects. Stunningly beautiful but with a side to it that can repel some people. There are many dodgy bars here - not least those with Thai cover bands banging out 80s rock anthems - but also some of the best places to have a drink I've come across.

I'll be back to fly to Bangkok in just over a week - and then probably again sometime soon...

5-1

'nuff said

chiang mai to ko samui

Chiang Mai is a charming place, but if your next destination is Ko Samui, there is very little to grieve about.

Flying between the two places is one of the most expensive forms of internal travel in Thailand. You can break it up with changes in Bangkok and trains, but given that it only takes an hour and a half by plane, it's worth paying the 150 quid just to avoid the hassle. Unless you're on a gap year, which I'm not, so there you have it.

My flight was at noon - a perfectly civilised time that involved no early start and would have me on the beach in the afternoon. As I ordered my obligatory in-flight can of Singha, the guy sat next to me started to strike up a conversation. He was from New Zealand, travelling with his young family, very friendly, asked lots of questions about where I was from and where I was going on holiday and so on. Then he started talking about his experiences of London, and how 'there hardly seemed to be an English person there'. I knew where this was heading. 'Every bar I went in, there was never an Englishman serving a drink.' Probably because they are all from New Zealand...

We landed at Ko Samui at around 1.30pm. The airport on this island is my worldwide favourite. It's tiny and deluxe - like landing on a golf course. My luggage arrived quickly, and I set off to find my transportation to the hotel. I couldn't see any signs with my name, or that of my hotel, on and so I decided to book a taxi. Having bought a ticket, I was told to head to a minibus in the car park. I was the first to board the bus. 25 minutes later, I was still the only person on board the bus and was sweating in the intense heat like a paedophile in a prep school. My driver was just stood outside, casually smoking roll ups and chatting to his mates. I started to get angry - this was valuable beach time I was missing. It just didn't make any sense as other passengers were getting into other minibuses and heading off into the distance. I asked the driver when we would be leaving, and he just shrugged his shoulders. By now I was beyond angry, and I picked up my bags and headed back towards the airport 'hut'. Fuck this, I thought.

Less than 10 minutes later I was sat back on board the same minibus waiting for it to leave. Having angrily demanded a refund, I quickly discovered this was the only taxi service at the airport. The other buses that had been leaving were, apparently, pre-chartered.

As the cramped and hot minibus eventually set off - almost an hour after I had originally boarded it - I wondered whether the driver would take revenge on me for my earlier hissy fit by ensuring I was the last passenger to reach my hotel. One hour later, alone on the bus and after an arduous tour along the east coast of the island, I was dropped off. The driver said he had 'missed' my hotel when we passed it half an hour earlier. As I got off the bus, I contemplated all forms of physical violence and abuse towards this utter cuntbag of an individual, but resolved to say nothing and just check into the hotel. Just forget about it...

The hotel were extremely apologetic about not picking me up from the airport. I insisted I didn't mind, when in actual fact I was extremely pissed off that it had taken more than two hours to travel a journey that should have taken around 15 minutes. However, I resolved to put it behind me as I was checking into an extremely swanky hotel that I could only afford because of an absurdly cheap internet offer. I was shown to my room, and couldn't believe how spacious and luxurious it was. At once I felt better. As I started to unpack my belongings, I noticed how absurdly hot it was in the room - sweat was dripping off me - and went to turn down the temperature of the air conditioning. Only trouble was the temperature wouldn't turn down - it was locked at 30 degrees, which is not the sort of level most people outside of the Sahara Desert would set it at. I contacted reception, they promised to fix it, I went for a swim and a walk along the beach and thought little more about it.

When I returned to my room at around 7pm to get ready for going out, I found that they had 'fixed' the air conditioning. It was now 29 degrees - warmer than outside - and wouldn't go any lower. By now, I was absolutely fuming about this and the airport transport fiasco and stormed to reception. I demanded to know why the air conditioning hadn't been fixed. After some feeble excuses, they offered to switch my room, which I wasn't very keen on as it would involve re-packing all my stuff. I turned my back on the receptionist, looked to the skies and, as you do, said 'oh for fuck's sake'. This then changed the atmosphere entirely. 'What you say, sir? Please don't use the word fuck. It very upsetting'. She looked like she was going to burst into tears. I haven't done any research into how offensive the use of the word 'fuck' is to Thai women, but judging by the reactions of the receptionist and her colleague, I'd say 'very'.

Anyway, to cut a long story shortish, I did end up switching rooms. Or, I should say, switching from a room to a beach side villa. The hassle and inconvenience I had endured meant I was upgraded to the most prestigious accommodation the hotel could offer - despite my foul mouth offending the staff. My new home was utterly amazing - private infinity pool, garden, huge bedroom and bathroom, separate living area.

As I ventured into town, and having apologised to the receptionist, I wondered if my fortunes were looking up...

elephants

I always have a slight trepidation about going on organised group tours. The early start, the bus journey, the fear of puking, the worry that my companions for the day will be a mixture of civilisation's worst creations - that sort of thing. However, there is little point coming to Chiang Mai if you are not going to go on some kind of expedition into the surrounding forests and jungles.

A mini bus picked me up from my hotel at around 8.15am, and I felt surprisingly awake and refreshed after the last few days. We then set off to our destination 78km north of the city - the Elephant Nature Park. This is an award winning sanctuary that primarily looks after elephants who have been abused or neglected by their owners, and I had heard rave reviews about it.

The treatment of elephants in Thailand is worthy of an entire website in its own right, but I will try briefly to provide some background. The elephant is Thailand's national symbol - you see it everywhere you look. Statues of them ornate temples, pictures of them adorn beer bottles, models of them are on display outside shops. In many respects the elephant helped create the Thailand we know today.

Despite all of this, elephants are treated appallingly badly and some even fear for their future in this country if things carry on the way they are. In 1989 the Thai government banned logging - the cutting down of trees, essentially. It was the elephants who moved the wood from Thailand's dense forests, and so when this practice was outlawed there was no use for them. They were not used to surviving in the wild, and in the modern day Thailand with a growing population needing land to farm, this was not practical either. So thousands of them ended up being killed, neglected or sold to Burma where logging is still allowed. What is also interesting is that by the time logging was banned in Thailand the country had lost two thirds of its trees, but this decision was taken primarily because the government realised losing so many trees increased the risk of flooding in the monsoon season. The wanton environmental crime of destroying forests obviously wasn't a principal concern.

There are only a couple of thousand elephants alive in Thailand today - down from 100,000 a century ago. Their only use to many Thais is the fascination of western tourists with these remarkable animals. So elephants are routinely paraded around the streets of Bangkok - a dreadfully traumatic thing for many of them - so that their owners can collect money from gullible tourists with their trunks. Or they are used for rides and shows. None of this is is perfect, but it is actually preferable to the alternative. Thai law offers little or no protection to elephants. Killing one carries the same punishment as killing a donkey - a small fine that is rarely enforced. Many Thais today see their national symbol as nothing more than a pest.

Today I was heading into beautifully green and lush forests north of Chiang Mai to see the alternative. The eco sanctuary is a haven for more than 20 elephants who have been rescued from abusive situations. It relies upon the goodwill of tourists to survive - looking after animals that eat non-stop for 18 hours a day and each require their own helper is not a cheap businesses. Visitors are made up of day trippers like myself, people who stay in huts for a few days and volunteers who typically work here for around a week. All of us will today help feed and clean the elephants.

Our first task is to clean the food. The elephants are vegetarians, and so we have to clean tubs full of fresh food and vegetables for them to eat. After this is done - the volunteers did most of the work - we then took it in turns to feed them. You do this by placing a handful of fruit or veg into the elephant's trunk, who then uses it to lower the food into its mouth. It is a straightforward and satisfying experience.

After a general meander round the park with our guide who told us some of the elephant's harrowing life stories, we were treated to a huge buffet Thai lunch. Over plates of lovely food and cold beer, I got chatting to one of the people from my mini bus - an English guy called Richard. He was of a similar age, lived near me in London, was on holiday for the same reasons - loved Thailand, wanted to take advantage of all the bank holidays and avoid being in the UK for the Royal Wedding. We got on really well, and it was a bonus to have a like minded companion for the day.

The fun bit of the tour was in the afternoon - bathing the elephants. By bathing I don't mean wiping them down with wet cloths - it involves going into the river and chucking buckets of water over the side of them. We had to get changed to do this, but before we were allowed to our guide insisted on laying down some ground rules. Women were not allowed to wear bikinis and men were not allowed to be naked. Streaking through an elephant sanctuary had always been a personal ambition of mine, so it was very sad to have it so cruelly thwarted. Mind you, the guide said nothing about prohibiting women from being naked and men wearing bikinis, so there was room for creative interpretation of her rules.

Anyway, sloshing around in the river in such gorgeous surroundings throwing water over these immense creatures was outrageous fun. It also helps to know that you are actually doing a tiny, tiny bit towards something really important. The owner of the sanctuary wants it to be a model for how elephants can be treated with love and affection, and still be a major tourist attraction. It's up to the visitors to Thailand as much as anyone else to help bring this about.

At around 5pm we headed back to Chiang Mai. When we got there, Richard and I headed to a lovely restaurant by the river where we gorged on Northern Thai food and relaxed with G&Ts in the early evening sun. A truly unforgettable day.

chiang mai

Chiang Mai is the main tourist destination in the North - a gateway for people looking to see elephants and go trekking in the jungle, but also a bustling city with many attractions in its own right.

I have been here once before, during my first visit to Thailand in 2004, but felt like coming again before hitting the islands and beaches. Chiang Mai is, as you would expect, totally geared up for the tourist trade, but with enough character to mark it out from other Thai cities.

Given that the day before had been a write-off, I decided to spend today generally mooching around. Fortunately today was more overcast and less hot than had been the case recently, and so I strolled through the centre of town to have an inevitable look round some of the temples. Some of these I had been to before and that, along with the fact that I have visited so many similar places in South East Asia over the years, meant there was very little 'wow' factor for me. I don't mean to sound like some philistine who thinks that if 'you've seen one, you've seen them all' - I just didn't find it as interesting experience as I had done previously.

After more walking around, I started to make plans for the coming days. Tomorrow I'm spending the day at an elephant sanctuary, and then on Thursday I'm flying to Ko Samui for some unashamed fun seeking.

recovery

I had at least picked a nice hotel in which to recover from my bout of sickness. The Castle, to the south of Chiang Mai, is relatively modern, very clean and extremely peaceful. The quiet air conditioning and comfy beds are also a God send.

At around 7pm on Monday, I was preparing myself for a night in to ensure I felt better by the morning. However, my friend and former work colleague Seb was also in Chiang Mai at the time, and it seemed a shame to miss out on the chance to meet up. Plus, a bit of company for a few hours would be preferable to sitting in my room watching Fox News - a channel which yesterday staged a genuine debate about whether America should re-invade Iraq to capture all of its oil as some kind of recompense for getting rid of Saddam. Incredible.

Anyway, by the time my tuk tuk dropped me at a travellers' bar in the centre of town I was feeling much better. I stayed off the beer though, and along with Seb's girlfriend, brother and his other half, we set off to find somewhere to eat. Conscious of the fact I hadn't eaten for 24 hours, I decided to stay off spicy Thai food and have something basic. Whilst I've never understood people who come to countries with amazingly diverse cuisines and head for the nearest bar selling a Full English, there does come a point when Western dishes are quite literally easier to stomach.

By the end of the evening I was feeling fine - and even had a cheeky single beer - and retreated back to my hotel confident the worst was behind me.

all aboard the night train

There were no second class sleeper beds left for my night train up to Chiang Mai, so I was 'forced' to upgrade to a first class ticket that would give me sole occupancy of a cabin.

As I had made these arrangements on the Internet back home, I fully expected to find when I boarded the train that there had been some kind of con/cock up and that I would instead be sharing my cabin with a large Thai family. In fact, nothing could have been further from the truth. My cabin was clean, comfortable and had just the one bed along with a sink and even a TV.

Travelling through the Thai countryside in the comfort of a private, air-conditioned cabin and laying in bed has to be one of the finest travelling experiences. I read my book for ages and glugged back a few drinks in total comfort and privacy.

I was awoken by the sound of breakfast being served in other cabins at around 7am. Feeling very dehydrated, I quickly drank some water and orange juice to feel better. Within a couple of minutes, I was vomiting this liquid back up and into the sink in my cabin. And so it went on for the next three hours until we reached Chiang Mai - every drop of fluid I tried to take would re-appear again seconds later.

It was a struggle not to be sick as a tuk tuk took me from the train station to my hotel. Fortunately I managed to avoid the ignominy of that, and quickly checked into my room and went straight to bed. Apart from a couple of quick visits to the bathroom, I then managed to get about four hours sleep.

What has caused this bought of highly unpleasant illness? It would seem to be a sickness bug, although the heat and travelling probably haven't helped. As I type this I am now at least able to keep water down, but don't feel brave enough to eat any food. I'm going to concentrate on getting better during my stay at a very pleasant guest house in Chiang Mai, and then I'll be getting a flight to a beach.

ayuthaya

I've now left Bangkok and am on my way to Chiang Mai in the far north of Thailand. It's a bloody long train journey - I found that out the hard way in 2004 when I endured the 12 hours on a third class service with no windows or air conditioning. So, on this occasion, I decided to break the trip up with a short stop-over in the ancient city of Ayuthaya, which is a World Heritage Site 78km outside of Bangkok.

I caught a cab from my hotel to the train station, and bought a ticket for the 90 minute train journey for the equivalent of 30p. The heat was intense as we slowly meandered our way out of Bangkok's sprawling suburbs, and I can't say I was particularly gutted to be leaving. Almost as soon as we entered the green countryside outside of the city I felt better, as if I was leaving the tiredness and sickness I had felt for much of the time since Thursday behind.

I was looking forward to my afternoon in Ayuthaya, which Lonely Planet bigs up as a place full of 'historic ruins from a golden age'. I don't know who writes these fucking books, but my only advice to anyone planning on visiting this place is to not bother. It is depressing, dirty and desolate. There are a few decent temples to see by the river, and some impressive ruins, but none appear any more attractive or interesting than those you will find in a multitude of other destinations in Thailand. And the drains stink to high heaven.

The temperature rose to the mid to late 30s today, which given the seeming lack of anywhere decent to kick back and relax made my little stop-over even more unpleasant. In the end I caught a tuk tuk to one of the nicer sounding hotels near the river, where I was at least able to have as decent meal in a restaurant away from the oppressive heat. After a bit of a meander round a temple, I caught another tuk tuk to another riverside hotel, where I did enjoy a relaxing couple of beers as the sun set.

My few hours in Ayuthaya were a bit of an eye opener. Sometimes it is easy to think Thailand is a paradise destination where plentiful pleasure can be accessed for a relative pittance, but my time spent in this town showed me how harsh life can be living in this country. People spend every day in incredibly harsh heat, scraping for every last bhat to make ends meet. I can't say I'm disappointed to be leaving here tonight. Nor will I be seeking the advice of Lonely Planet for any travel advice again on this holiday. Still, I'll be in Chiang Mai by the morning - a place I know oozes charm.

jet lag

After a tumultuous couple of days having buckets of water thrown over me, I went to bed in a drunken state but at a reasonably early hour on Friday night.

In the morning, the alarm went off at 10am. Then at 11am. And then, finally, at 2pm, I managed to make it out of bed. After fixing myself some spicy beef noodle soup, which I assumed would make me feel better, I very quickly vomited the contents into the toilet. Despite having secured a not inconsiderable amount of sleep, I felt absolutely destroyed. Jet lag, intense heat and excessive alcohol consumption is a perfect storm - and Bangkok isn't exactly the best place in the world to deal with it.

On top of all this, I was still suffering from toothache. The pain was not jet sufficient to visit a dentist, I would describe it more as discomfort, but I am aware from previous 'experience' how quickly dental pain can flare up. Having nearly run out of anti-biotics to treat the problem, I resolved to finding a pharmacy where I could hopefully stock up. Given my booze/heat/jet lagged illness and general malaise, I wasn't feeling that confident. However the first place I ventured into - right next to my hotel - had draws full of the stuff. Having bought a job lot along with some pain killers, I felt instantly more content.

I had no desire to spend my last day in Bangkok sightseeing. Having deliberately booked myself into a plush(ish) hotel with a swimming pool, I resolved to spend the afternoon chilling out beside it with a book rather than venturing any further. I was therefore considerably pissed off to find that the sodding pool had been closed for maintenance works when I attempted to access it in my shorts and flip flops. With no pool to chill out in, I went for a walk around the local area and had a couple of medicinal beers. Bangkok truly is a mad place - and at no time is it any crazier than the New Year period I had just experienced - but I was not sad to be leaving in the morning. Pretty much everyone else feels the same after a while.

songkran

I didn't realise when I booked this trip that I would be arriving in Bangkok during the Thai New Year - Songkran. The first I knew was when I left my hotel yesterday and the doorman hosed me down with a super soaker. Not the sort of behaviour one normally expects from the staff of a place you have paid good money to stay at, but that's how they celebrate the New Year here - by literally drenching each other in water and smearing faces with a chalk based mixture.

It was an absolutely incredible and totally unforgettable sight to see thousands of people behaving like this in such a good natured manner (by 'good natured' I mean nobody punched anyone who threw a bucket of freezing water over their head, although I must admit to feeling tempted at times). The streets thronged with people getting into the spirit of things, and I very quickly resigned myself to taking an utter drenching and to forget about trying to avoid the inevitable. Can you imagine what would happen if we ever tried an equivalent of this in England? I'm not sure the good people of Gillingham would be quite so laid back.

The big downside to all of the above - aside from the obvious - was how tired I felt from the flight over here, and because I was suffering from toothache. I don't enjoy toothache at the best of times - getting it in Bangkok as people throw pans of water at your face is about as welcome as having a marrow shoved down your cock. Fortunately it has now more or less gone, although I will be taking the precaution of buying some anti-biotics while I'm here just in case it flares up again.

The journey from London over here was basically fine. Terminal 3 at Heathrow is hardly the most inviting place to start a holiday, but after a few drinks I was quickly chilled out and ready for the off. I flew with Thai Airways, who I had very pleasant memories of from my first trip in 2004. The flight was good, and I had three seats to myself, but I was a bit surprised that there was no in-flight entertainment at all. None whatsoever. I had books, an ipod and access to a free bar, so I wasn't exactly breaking down in tears, but it did seem odd for a relatively expensive and popular airline.

Anyway, I'm now going to brave the streets of Bangkok and get another drenching. Unfortunately my ickle netbook isn't working (I'm writing this from an internet cafe) and so I won't be able to watch the Norwich v Nottingham Forest game via all the dodgy sites facebook is advertising to me at the moment. Perhaps that's not a bad thing.

yay - new blog

Looks cool, doesn't it? The template blogging world seems to have moved on since I first did this bollocks in 2006.