chiang mai to ko samui

Chiang Mai is a charming place, but if your next destination is Ko Samui, there is very little to grieve about.

Flying between the two places is one of the most expensive forms of internal travel in Thailand. You can break it up with changes in Bangkok and trains, but given that it only takes an hour and a half by plane, it's worth paying the 150 quid just to avoid the hassle. Unless you're on a gap year, which I'm not, so there you have it.

My flight was at noon - a perfectly civilised time that involved no early start and would have me on the beach in the afternoon. As I ordered my obligatory in-flight can of Singha, the guy sat next to me started to strike up a conversation. He was from New Zealand, travelling with his young family, very friendly, asked lots of questions about where I was from and where I was going on holiday and so on. Then he started talking about his experiences of London, and how 'there hardly seemed to be an English person there'. I knew where this was heading. 'Every bar I went in, there was never an Englishman serving a drink.' Probably because they are all from New Zealand...

We landed at Ko Samui at around 1.30pm. The airport on this island is my worldwide favourite. It's tiny and deluxe - like landing on a golf course. My luggage arrived quickly, and I set off to find my transportation to the hotel. I couldn't see any signs with my name, or that of my hotel, on and so I decided to book a taxi. Having bought a ticket, I was told to head to a minibus in the car park. I was the first to board the bus. 25 minutes later, I was still the only person on board the bus and was sweating in the intense heat like a paedophile in a prep school. My driver was just stood outside, casually smoking roll ups and chatting to his mates. I started to get angry - this was valuable beach time I was missing. It just didn't make any sense as other passengers were getting into other minibuses and heading off into the distance. I asked the driver when we would be leaving, and he just shrugged his shoulders. By now I was beyond angry, and I picked up my bags and headed back towards the airport 'hut'. Fuck this, I thought.

Less than 10 minutes later I was sat back on board the same minibus waiting for it to leave. Having angrily demanded a refund, I quickly discovered this was the only taxi service at the airport. The other buses that had been leaving were, apparently, pre-chartered.

As the cramped and hot minibus eventually set off - almost an hour after I had originally boarded it - I wondered whether the driver would take revenge on me for my earlier hissy fit by ensuring I was the last passenger to reach my hotel. One hour later, alone on the bus and after an arduous tour along the east coast of the island, I was dropped off. The driver said he had 'missed' my hotel when we passed it half an hour earlier. As I got off the bus, I contemplated all forms of physical violence and abuse towards this utter cuntbag of an individual, but resolved to say nothing and just check into the hotel. Just forget about it...

The hotel were extremely apologetic about not picking me up from the airport. I insisted I didn't mind, when in actual fact I was extremely pissed off that it had taken more than two hours to travel a journey that should have taken around 15 minutes. However, I resolved to put it behind me as I was checking into an extremely swanky hotel that I could only afford because of an absurdly cheap internet offer. I was shown to my room, and couldn't believe how spacious and luxurious it was. At once I felt better. As I started to unpack my belongings, I noticed how absurdly hot it was in the room - sweat was dripping off me - and went to turn down the temperature of the air conditioning. Only trouble was the temperature wouldn't turn down - it was locked at 30 degrees, which is not the sort of level most people outside of the Sahara Desert would set it at. I contacted reception, they promised to fix it, I went for a swim and a walk along the beach and thought little more about it.

When I returned to my room at around 7pm to get ready for going out, I found that they had 'fixed' the air conditioning. It was now 29 degrees - warmer than outside - and wouldn't go any lower. By now, I was absolutely fuming about this and the airport transport fiasco and stormed to reception. I demanded to know why the air conditioning hadn't been fixed. After some feeble excuses, they offered to switch my room, which I wasn't very keen on as it would involve re-packing all my stuff. I turned my back on the receptionist, looked to the skies and, as you do, said 'oh for fuck's sake'. This then changed the atmosphere entirely. 'What you say, sir? Please don't use the word fuck. It very upsetting'. She looked like she was going to burst into tears. I haven't done any research into how offensive the use of the word 'fuck' is to Thai women, but judging by the reactions of the receptionist and her colleague, I'd say 'very'.

Anyway, to cut a long story shortish, I did end up switching rooms. Or, I should say, switching from a room to a beach side villa. The hassle and inconvenience I had endured meant I was upgraded to the most prestigious accommodation the hotel could offer - despite my foul mouth offending the staff. My new home was utterly amazing - private infinity pool, garden, huge bedroom and bathroom, separate living area.

As I ventured into town, and having apologised to the receptionist, I wondered if my fortunes were looking up...

elephants

I always have a slight trepidation about going on organised group tours. The early start, the bus journey, the fear of puking, the worry that my companions for the day will be a mixture of civilisation's worst creations - that sort of thing. However, there is little point coming to Chiang Mai if you are not going to go on some kind of expedition into the surrounding forests and jungles.

A mini bus picked me up from my hotel at around 8.15am, and I felt surprisingly awake and refreshed after the last few days. We then set off to our destination 78km north of the city - the Elephant Nature Park. This is an award winning sanctuary that primarily looks after elephants who have been abused or neglected by their owners, and I had heard rave reviews about it.

The treatment of elephants in Thailand is worthy of an entire website in its own right, but I will try briefly to provide some background. The elephant is Thailand's national symbol - you see it everywhere you look. Statues of them ornate temples, pictures of them adorn beer bottles, models of them are on display outside shops. In many respects the elephant helped create the Thailand we know today.

Despite all of this, elephants are treated appallingly badly and some even fear for their future in this country if things carry on the way they are. In 1989 the Thai government banned logging - the cutting down of trees, essentially. It was the elephants who moved the wood from Thailand's dense forests, and so when this practice was outlawed there was no use for them. They were not used to surviving in the wild, and in the modern day Thailand with a growing population needing land to farm, this was not practical either. So thousands of them ended up being killed, neglected or sold to Burma where logging is still allowed. What is also interesting is that by the time logging was banned in Thailand the country had lost two thirds of its trees, but this decision was taken primarily because the government realised losing so many trees increased the risk of flooding in the monsoon season. The wanton environmental crime of destroying forests obviously wasn't a principal concern.

There are only a couple of thousand elephants alive in Thailand today - down from 100,000 a century ago. Their only use to many Thais is the fascination of western tourists with these remarkable animals. So elephants are routinely paraded around the streets of Bangkok - a dreadfully traumatic thing for many of them - so that their owners can collect money from gullible tourists with their trunks. Or they are used for rides and shows. None of this is is perfect, but it is actually preferable to the alternative. Thai law offers little or no protection to elephants. Killing one carries the same punishment as killing a donkey - a small fine that is rarely enforced. Many Thais today see their national symbol as nothing more than a pest.

Today I was heading into beautifully green and lush forests north of Chiang Mai to see the alternative. The eco sanctuary is a haven for more than 20 elephants who have been rescued from abusive situations. It relies upon the goodwill of tourists to survive - looking after animals that eat non-stop for 18 hours a day and each require their own helper is not a cheap businesses. Visitors are made up of day trippers like myself, people who stay in huts for a few days and volunteers who typically work here for around a week. All of us will today help feed and clean the elephants.

Our first task is to clean the food. The elephants are vegetarians, and so we have to clean tubs full of fresh food and vegetables for them to eat. After this is done - the volunteers did most of the work - we then took it in turns to feed them. You do this by placing a handful of fruit or veg into the elephant's trunk, who then uses it to lower the food into its mouth. It is a straightforward and satisfying experience.

After a general meander round the park with our guide who told us some of the elephant's harrowing life stories, we were treated to a huge buffet Thai lunch. Over plates of lovely food and cold beer, I got chatting to one of the people from my mini bus - an English guy called Richard. He was of a similar age, lived near me in London, was on holiday for the same reasons - loved Thailand, wanted to take advantage of all the bank holidays and avoid being in the UK for the Royal Wedding. We got on really well, and it was a bonus to have a like minded companion for the day.

The fun bit of the tour was in the afternoon - bathing the elephants. By bathing I don't mean wiping them down with wet cloths - it involves going into the river and chucking buckets of water over the side of them. We had to get changed to do this, but before we were allowed to our guide insisted on laying down some ground rules. Women were not allowed to wear bikinis and men were not allowed to be naked. Streaking through an elephant sanctuary had always been a personal ambition of mine, so it was very sad to have it so cruelly thwarted. Mind you, the guide said nothing about prohibiting women from being naked and men wearing bikinis, so there was room for creative interpretation of her rules.

Anyway, sloshing around in the river in such gorgeous surroundings throwing water over these immense creatures was outrageous fun. It also helps to know that you are actually doing a tiny, tiny bit towards something really important. The owner of the sanctuary wants it to be a model for how elephants can be treated with love and affection, and still be a major tourist attraction. It's up to the visitors to Thailand as much as anyone else to help bring this about.

At around 5pm we headed back to Chiang Mai. When we got there, Richard and I headed to a lovely restaurant by the river where we gorged on Northern Thai food and relaxed with G&Ts in the early evening sun. A truly unforgettable day.

chiang mai

Chiang Mai is the main tourist destination in the North - a gateway for people looking to see elephants and go trekking in the jungle, but also a bustling city with many attractions in its own right.

I have been here once before, during my first visit to Thailand in 2004, but felt like coming again before hitting the islands and beaches. Chiang Mai is, as you would expect, totally geared up for the tourist trade, but with enough character to mark it out from other Thai cities.

Given that the day before had been a write-off, I decided to spend today generally mooching around. Fortunately today was more overcast and less hot than had been the case recently, and so I strolled through the centre of town to have an inevitable look round some of the temples. Some of these I had been to before and that, along with the fact that I have visited so many similar places in South East Asia over the years, meant there was very little 'wow' factor for me. I don't mean to sound like some philistine who thinks that if 'you've seen one, you've seen them all' - I just didn't find it as interesting experience as I had done previously.

After more walking around, I started to make plans for the coming days. Tomorrow I'm spending the day at an elephant sanctuary, and then on Thursday I'm flying to Ko Samui for some unashamed fun seeking.

recovery

I had at least picked a nice hotel in which to recover from my bout of sickness. The Castle, to the south of Chiang Mai, is relatively modern, very clean and extremely peaceful. The quiet air conditioning and comfy beds are also a God send.

At around 7pm on Monday, I was preparing myself for a night in to ensure I felt better by the morning. However, my friend and former work colleague Seb was also in Chiang Mai at the time, and it seemed a shame to miss out on the chance to meet up. Plus, a bit of company for a few hours would be preferable to sitting in my room watching Fox News - a channel which yesterday staged a genuine debate about whether America should re-invade Iraq to capture all of its oil as some kind of recompense for getting rid of Saddam. Incredible.

Anyway, by the time my tuk tuk dropped me at a travellers' bar in the centre of town I was feeling much better. I stayed off the beer though, and along with Seb's girlfriend, brother and his other half, we set off to find somewhere to eat. Conscious of the fact I hadn't eaten for 24 hours, I decided to stay off spicy Thai food and have something basic. Whilst I've never understood people who come to countries with amazingly diverse cuisines and head for the nearest bar selling a Full English, there does come a point when Western dishes are quite literally easier to stomach.

By the end of the evening I was feeling fine - and even had a cheeky single beer - and retreated back to my hotel confident the worst was behind me.

all aboard the night train

There were no second class sleeper beds left for my night train up to Chiang Mai, so I was 'forced' to upgrade to a first class ticket that would give me sole occupancy of a cabin.

As I had made these arrangements on the Internet back home, I fully expected to find when I boarded the train that there had been some kind of con/cock up and that I would instead be sharing my cabin with a large Thai family. In fact, nothing could have been further from the truth. My cabin was clean, comfortable and had just the one bed along with a sink and even a TV.

Travelling through the Thai countryside in the comfort of a private, air-conditioned cabin and laying in bed has to be one of the finest travelling experiences. I read my book for ages and glugged back a few drinks in total comfort and privacy.

I was awoken by the sound of breakfast being served in other cabins at around 7am. Feeling very dehydrated, I quickly drank some water and orange juice to feel better. Within a couple of minutes, I was vomiting this liquid back up and into the sink in my cabin. And so it went on for the next three hours until we reached Chiang Mai - every drop of fluid I tried to take would re-appear again seconds later.

It was a struggle not to be sick as a tuk tuk took me from the train station to my hotel. Fortunately I managed to avoid the ignominy of that, and quickly checked into my room and went straight to bed. Apart from a couple of quick visits to the bathroom, I then managed to get about four hours sleep.

What has caused this bought of highly unpleasant illness? It would seem to be a sickness bug, although the heat and travelling probably haven't helped. As I type this I am now at least able to keep water down, but don't feel brave enough to eat any food. I'm going to concentrate on getting better during my stay at a very pleasant guest house in Chiang Mai, and then I'll be getting a flight to a beach.

ayuthaya

I've now left Bangkok and am on my way to Chiang Mai in the far north of Thailand. It's a bloody long train journey - I found that out the hard way in 2004 when I endured the 12 hours on a third class service with no windows or air conditioning. So, on this occasion, I decided to break the trip up with a short stop-over in the ancient city of Ayuthaya, which is a World Heritage Site 78km outside of Bangkok.

I caught a cab from my hotel to the train station, and bought a ticket for the 90 minute train journey for the equivalent of 30p. The heat was intense as we slowly meandered our way out of Bangkok's sprawling suburbs, and I can't say I was particularly gutted to be leaving. Almost as soon as we entered the green countryside outside of the city I felt better, as if I was leaving the tiredness and sickness I had felt for much of the time since Thursday behind.

I was looking forward to my afternoon in Ayuthaya, which Lonely Planet bigs up as a place full of 'historic ruins from a golden age'. I don't know who writes these fucking books, but my only advice to anyone planning on visiting this place is to not bother. It is depressing, dirty and desolate. There are a few decent temples to see by the river, and some impressive ruins, but none appear any more attractive or interesting than those you will find in a multitude of other destinations in Thailand. And the drains stink to high heaven.

The temperature rose to the mid to late 30s today, which given the seeming lack of anywhere decent to kick back and relax made my little stop-over even more unpleasant. In the end I caught a tuk tuk to one of the nicer sounding hotels near the river, where I was at least able to have as decent meal in a restaurant away from the oppressive heat. After a bit of a meander round a temple, I caught another tuk tuk to another riverside hotel, where I did enjoy a relaxing couple of beers as the sun set.

My few hours in Ayuthaya were a bit of an eye opener. Sometimes it is easy to think Thailand is a paradise destination where plentiful pleasure can be accessed for a relative pittance, but my time spent in this town showed me how harsh life can be living in this country. People spend every day in incredibly harsh heat, scraping for every last bhat to make ends meet. I can't say I'm disappointed to be leaving here tonight. Nor will I be seeking the advice of Lonely Planet for any travel advice again on this holiday. Still, I'll be in Chiang Mai by the morning - a place I know oozes charm.

jet lag

After a tumultuous couple of days having buckets of water thrown over me, I went to bed in a drunken state but at a reasonably early hour on Friday night.

In the morning, the alarm went off at 10am. Then at 11am. And then, finally, at 2pm, I managed to make it out of bed. After fixing myself some spicy beef noodle soup, which I assumed would make me feel better, I very quickly vomited the contents into the toilet. Despite having secured a not inconsiderable amount of sleep, I felt absolutely destroyed. Jet lag, intense heat and excessive alcohol consumption is a perfect storm - and Bangkok isn't exactly the best place in the world to deal with it.

On top of all this, I was still suffering from toothache. The pain was not jet sufficient to visit a dentist, I would describe it more as discomfort, but I am aware from previous 'experience' how quickly dental pain can flare up. Having nearly run out of anti-biotics to treat the problem, I resolved to finding a pharmacy where I could hopefully stock up. Given my booze/heat/jet lagged illness and general malaise, I wasn't feeling that confident. However the first place I ventured into - right next to my hotel - had draws full of the stuff. Having bought a job lot along with some pain killers, I felt instantly more content.

I had no desire to spend my last day in Bangkok sightseeing. Having deliberately booked myself into a plush(ish) hotel with a swimming pool, I resolved to spend the afternoon chilling out beside it with a book rather than venturing any further. I was therefore considerably pissed off to find that the sodding pool had been closed for maintenance works when I attempted to access it in my shorts and flip flops. With no pool to chill out in, I went for a walk around the local area and had a couple of medicinal beers. Bangkok truly is a mad place - and at no time is it any crazier than the New Year period I had just experienced - but I was not sad to be leaving in the morning. Pretty much everyone else feels the same after a while.